Challenging Behaviors

Thoughts & Reflections

Even when we try to do everything “right,” we read all the books and the blogs, nutrition and sleep are highest priority, we give age-appropriate choices and model emotional intelligence, things go sideways. Maybe it’s at the playground, or at bedtime, or in the line at the grocery store, but chances are a meltdown or a disagreement or tears you cannot quell will happen at some point during your parenting career.

Let’s just start by saying:
You. Are. Not. Alone.

You are not the first parent to say no to a candy bar in the checkout line and be met with a response that would make you think you’d accidentally said no more candy again for the rest of your life, and while we’re at it let’s cancel birthdays.

You are not the first parent to have tears on both sides of the Bedtime Battle, unknown winners in that war.

You are not the first parent to feel like the world is watching, no I am not stealing this child, only his joy apparently, since I’m making him go home and eat dinner, so why do I feel so guilty?

Solidarity. We’re in this together. We can be honest and ask vulnerable questions, because we’re here to help one another. Same team.

To that end, you and your child, while it might sometimes feel tearful, antagonistic, you-say-up-I-say-down, you’re in this together! You are aligned in this goal of helping this child grow up, the best way each of you can.

There will be easy moments and challenging moments. For both of these types of moments, and every moment in between, we must remember: this, too, shall pass. The treasured moments are fleeting, the challenging ones seem to last too long, but neither is fully representative of the whole day, the whole story, the whole experience.

Those challenging behaviors seem to take up so much of our emotional currency, though. They weigh heavily on our hearts, we worry about them staring up at the ceiling on sleepless nights, sometimes we even cause them by our anxiety of what might be. Something that causes so much, shall we say, stress, certainly deserves a bit of time for reflection. The good thing about these stressful situations is that we know we’re probably going to encounter another challenging situation in the future, so we can prepare for what will come next time.

It’s helpful to remember that most tantrums and other challenging behaviors have a tie to “hungry and tired.” We wrote on this previously in the post entitled “The 80% Rule.” Even the most well-behaved adult resorts to less than pleasant social skills when hungry and tired, only more so in children who are still developing emotional control.

“An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.” There are times when a bit of preparation is so valuable in encouraging positive, pro-social behaviors. In fact, we could extrapolate this idea to encompass so much of our social development! What might this look like?

Let’s warm up with a few casual examples.

You need to go to the grocery store after picking your child up from school. A child is tired from a busy day, maybe they’ve spent all their emotional currency on interactions with classmates, maybe they are ready for some “down time.” Remember hungry and tired? These are both at play in this situation, with the added challenge of having the solution to one of these incredibly basic needs, food, surrounding us. A child is going to ask for one of everything, I’m going to say no to everything, and there’s very little chance that we leave the store with smiles on our faces.

Part of the reason we keep day-to-day routines the same at school is because sometimes daily family life throws wrenches. You intended to go to the store before picking up your child but someone forgot their lunch so you had to make an extra trip, or a meeting ran late, or you saw a dear friend and wanted to catch up, or it was raining, and now you need to do it together. Let’s agree to let go of the guilt, to acknowledge it and send it on it’s way. You know your child best. You know this is one too many things, you know she’s hungry and tired, you know it would be ideal to go home and have an hour to play before dinner and bedtime routine, but things aren’t always ideal, and learning to cope with those less-than-ideal moments is a life skill.

No one invites a tantrum, so what can we do in these challenging situations, like errands after school, to help a child develop coping skills?

1. First, do what you can to meet hungry and tired. A box of shelf-stable snacks and a few books or quiet toys stashed in the car can buy a few moments grace.
2. Second, communicate with your child. Be sure you’re making promises you know you can keep. “I know you were excited to go home and play legos. I’m eager to get home, too. We need to go to the store, but then we’re going straight home. Thank you for helping me.”
3. Third, invite cooperation. Giving safe choices that you’re comfortable with your child making invites ownership and cooperation. “Would you like to push the cart or hold the list? Would you like to pick a slice of cheese from the deli for a small snack?” This responsibility and activity can be a bit of a consolation prize, rather than feeling “dragged along.”
4. Finally, demonstrate the respect you’d like to see from your child. If you see a friend in the store, say, “I’m so glad to see you, I’m in a rush and I can’t wait to catch up soon.” Don’t go back on your word of going right home afterward. Maybe tonight isn’t the night to compare ingredients in mustards.

This can be applied to any tantrum-potential situation. Let’s try another.

It’s time to leave the park. You know hungry and tired are coming, so when you share “five more minutes!” or “three more slides!” with your child, also say, “I have raisins for you on our drive home.” This is another great chance for choice — “would you like to do the monkey bars or the climbing wall before we go home.”

This is an especially important time to stick to your word. When you say “one more” it really has to be one more. We can accidentally be a bit wishy-washy with “one more” when it’s something “good,” such as one more hug, one more swing, one more book before bed. It feels good to say yes, especially when we have the time and everyone’s in a good mood.

We don’t enforce the rules for the times when things are going well. We enforce the rules for the times when things are going sideways. There will be as many times when we don’t have the time or the patience or the energy for one more hug, swing, book. When one more has become five more, and we lose our patience, it’s not our child’s fault. We’ve actually meant five so many times before, they don’t know that you have an early meeting or a migraine, that this time you mean it. We have to mean what we say every time. If we find we’re cutting ourselves short too many times, maybe tomorrow we’ll say, “last two books,” and see how that goes. We want to ensure that when we say “last slide,” our children know we mean it.

There will be times when things do go sideways. Even with all the preparation and all the inviting cooperation and all the communication and all the following through on our word, tantrums will happen. So then what.

Remember that this is a phase. It’s typical for children under six, and they don’t last forever. We sometimes have to remind ourselves, we’re the adults. When we can sense a situation unravelling, now is not the time to negotiate or offer choices. We cannot give a false option with the hope of “tricking” a child into doing what we want to do. “You don’t want to stay at school all night, do you?” “But don’t you want to eat dinner?” Nope. We have to be the adults. We cannot negotiate or coerce because negotiation in this situation is unfair to the child. Negotiation implies my mind can be changed. This is not a conversation. This is what we’re doing.

It’s natural to engage with a child, because we think, if they could just see it my way, the logical way, the facts as they are, they would suddenly change their mind and their attitude. This is a kind thought, but misguided. This child is being ruled by emotion, possibly by hungry and tired, this child cannot be convinced. We have to be the adult. Compassionately, I’m helping you to do this. I’m sorry you’re upset. I’m going to pick you up now.

There are some behaviors that require this safe, compassionate, unmoving brick wall. I will not let you hurt yourself. I will not let you hurt others or damage property. I will give you a safe outlet — go scream into a pillow, run as hard as you can, clay to smash. I will be here to support you when you’re done. If you want company in your tantrum, I will be here. If you want space, I will be here. Nothing you can do will make me stop loving you. I love you enough to see you through this hard moment.

We do see them through. When the fire has subsided, when the child can breathe and listen again, we begin the repair work. Even as adults, we will make mistakes. We will be emotional, we will say something silly or stupid, we will hurt others. We make mistakes. We fix them.

If there’s something to clean, such as torn paper or milk on the floor, putting the physical environment back in order is the first step to reclaiming a sense of internal order. We can keep them company, even help, but the child is the one to repair what they broke.

If there is a relationship to repair, we apologize for what we did wrong. We name the mistake and what could have been done differently. At school, we often offer a hug or a handshake. Then we move forward. We do not hold grudges. We do not get revenge. “I’m sorry I called you an unkind name. I know your name is Mommy.”

The good thing about challenging behaviors is that we get to have a lot of practice. We know we’ll have an opportunity in the future to practice these skills, to remember to take a deep breath and diffuse the situation before we feed into the tantrum. Bedtime happens every day, so we can try again tomorrow, maybe even writing down what we’re going to do next time. We’ll never be done growing.

There are countless resources for helping children through challenging behaviors. Two we’re particularly fond of are Simone Davies from the Montessori Notebook and Taking Charge by JoAnne Nordling, a book we’ve found incredibly valuable.

As always, the best resource is your instinct about your own child. You will always know what’s best for them.